Kay:
Hey there, gang! Today’s September 17th, and welcome back for Episode 184. We’ve got a great Rihanna quote for you today. You guys are going to love it. She says, “It’s tougher to be vulnerable than to actually be tough.”
Shi:
First of all, it’s a great turn of phrase here. Love this quote! But, also, one thing that we say to our kids all the time is, “If you want to play rough…
Kay & Shi:
… you got to be tough.”
Shi:
And, I think that that can still fit with this quote when we think about it. But, Rihanna, she’s been through some tough and rough stuff. She’s an amazing singer, well accomplished, an actress, a business woman, a philanthropist, and is even a former sub-military cadet. And…we like to call her Riri 🙂
Kay:
Riri! We all love a little Riri in our lives. But, one of the things that I love that you brought up, Shi, with that, “If you want to play rough, you’ve got to be tough,” is that Brené Brown describes the vulnerability struggle as the rumble, right? You gotta get out there and you got to rumble. Every once in a while, you got to do that. Sometimes – even when Shila and I have a tough conversation amongst each other – which, sometimes they happen – (I mean, it’s only like once a quarter, but they do happen) – we sit down and say, “Hey, I got a rumble. Can we rumble really quick? I’ve got something we’ve got to talk about.” And, it can be really difficult to bear your feelings because there’s a lot of things that can happen. The other person could invalidate them. You could feel like you weren’t heard in the situation…There’s a lot of unknown. You could be judged for the way that you feel. But, either way, it’s never good to hold it in. And, it takes a lot of courage to bring it out.
Shi:
It does. And, it’s uncomfortable, right? It’s uncomfortable to rumble. And so, oftentimes we shy away from it. We close ourselves off. And, you can feel how time wants to harden, close you off, toughen you up…There’s disappointments, there’s detours, there’s unexpected challenges. And, as this happens through your life, if you focus on it, if you don’t have that mindset and you’re not actively pushing up the hill and working towards your growth, then you can feel how you just want to get jaded, right? And so, you start to close off. And, that’s the opposite of being vulnerable because being vulnerable means you have an open heart. And, only with an open heart can we truly experience the joy and fulfillment that’s available to us here in this lifetime.
Kay:
Well, being vulnerable is a skill. It comes with practice. And so, for many people in our society, vulnerability is something we have not cherished for a very long time.
Shi:
We’re getting better.
Kay:
We’re getting better. It’s definitely coming back around with, I think, the push towards social, emotional learning in the younger grades. And, seeing that start to work its way into the education system, will help bring more vulnerability, I think, to us and society as a whole. But, we’re raised with granddads who would die before their kids saw them shed tears, right? It was a BIG deal. And, that masculine culture has been so prevalent in our society for so long that it’s made vulnerability into a shameful thing. But, the hunger for it, I think, is really seen in the cry around people looking for authenticity in marketing and authenticity from brands. Because, as soon as somebody actually shows you who they really are, you recognize the courage that it takes for somebody to let themselves be seen.
Shi:
And, “courage” is the absolute right word there. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. And then, when you realize that it truly is tougher to be vulnerable than it is to be tough… Because you’ve got to step up, and you’ve got to be afraid, and you’ve got to put your heart on the line, and your emotions on the line, and be that authentic person. And, I think we see this cry because everyone is sick of seeing maybe older models or things that are polished and glazed over. And, that feels like an unreal standard, but it’s hard to look away from.
Kay:
Yeah.
Shi:
For sure. But, that’s also not the most connection-worthy. And, that’s where that authenticity piece comes into play. But, when you’re vulnerable and that heart is out there, it can get smashed, it can get stabbed in the back, it can hurt….And that’s tough too!
Kay:
Oh yeah. I mean, I’m sure you’ve all had an instance in your life where you felt totally heartbroken. And it feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest and in fire and in a trashcan and everything’s wrong and it hurts. And that’s one of the worst pains in the world. In fact, your heart has a whole nervous system around it. It has its own little thinking brain. But, it is said that emotional pain registers on the pain scales as almost just as bad as physical pain, because it really is that real. Shila and I got the privilege of shooting a class recently. And in that, it’s all about how to change your attitude, and it’s a really great teaching. You guys are going to love it. Check out our Instagram page for some more details on that coming soon. But, in that class, Shila and I talk a lot about what really makes up your human experience. When we look at what a human is and what it is that we experience – yes, we’re a body and we’re the thing – but who you are is the person that is experiencing your thoughts and emotions. Which means your thoughts and emotions are just as real, if not more real to you, than the physical things that you’re going through on the outside – which is why it can be so difficult. And so, as Rihanna tells us, “It can be tougher to be vulnerable than to actually be tough.”
Shi:
All right! That brings us to your quest for the day! It’s a vulnerability quest. Do the tough thing and be vulnerable with someone you’ve been closing off from…Can you share a story with a friend? Maybe a compliment to a significant other? Maybe a coworker of yours could use a little camaraderie moment? But – whatever you do – be a little vulnerable and prove to yourself that you’re tough enough to handle it. Are you ready?
Kay & Shi:
Let’s quest!
