Kay:

Hello, Questers. It is Thursday, December 23rd, and this is episode 494. You’ve got three French hens in your 12 days to Christmas countdown as we get moving toward the big day itself. Today we affectionately like to call Christmas Eve Eve because it is the Eve of the Eve, and it is just as magical almost sometimes as the Eve itself especially as people start to inch toward the weekend and the big holiday. We have a quote for you today from Thuli Madonsela and is a South African advocate and professor of law holding a chair in social justice at Stellenbosch University since January 2018. She served as the Public Projector of South Africa for about seven years. So, way to go Thuli, and she tells us, “I need to listen well so that I hear what is not said.”

Shi:

Well, what I did not hear you say there Kay, is that today is three French hens. So, if Kay and I are both French hens, that means you, dear listener, are our third French hen and I’m excited to cluck about this quote today because it is, I think, a beautiful one. It demonstrates something that a lot of us who are drawn to this kind of personal growth and development industry do a lot of. We like to speak. We like to talk. We like to share. We like to ideate and think and so when you get that kind of person, for many of us, Kay and I are both this way. There is this tendency to want to speak up and to want to over-explain and to want to talk and to want to share and to want to lead. We can learn so much when we maybe not necessarily tone that down but when we maximize the time that we are quiet by hearing every nuance and every level of the message being brought forward.

Kay:

I’m glad that you talked about the levels and the nuances, Shi, because I think they can be looked over often when someone is attempting to focus on the words of what someone is saying. Now, many times you’ve likely been in a situation like we have, where someone is saying something to you, but their energy and their tone are saying something completely different than what their words are saying. Now, if you’re not a very good listener, and maybe you’re only focused on the exact words coming out of someone’s mouth, you might not be able to pick up on the fact that their tone and energy is different from the words being said. That can mean a lot, especially in subtle conversation. And I love hearing this come from a professor of law, someone who’s having to cross-examine witnesses and go into defense and all those things. They understand that there is this nuance and dimension to how people are speaking that goes way beyond the words they say.

Shi:

You know, a couple of practical applications that pop for me as we talk about this one is we all know the stats about body language that much of your communication is not done through your words and what you say, but through your gestures, through that energetic signature, through your tonation and your voice. So much of your message coming across that way. In the restaurants, we encourage our servers to have their server ears on, so that if they hear a silverware drop on the floor, that they look around and bring over a new set of silverware, a new spoon, or a new fork or a new butter knife to whatever table dropped that silverware. Now that’s listening to what’s not being said and it’s a very simple, real-world application. But think about it, if it works at that level, the amazing power that it can bring, when you start to apply that kind of approach to your relationships, your business deals, your marketing, you can really change the game when you are hearing what’s not being said, and you’re picking up on messages beyond the words that are being communicated.

Kay:

Sometimes we see this reflected in things like sales in the restaurant industry, just for another practical example. Someone might say well, we just love the tuna sandwich and it’s just the absolute best thing ever and all of our guests order the tuna sandwich, but the numbers tell a different story. The numbers aren’t what’s being said. So, what are those numbers of your life? What are the places like your results that you might look at versus the words that you’re saying, or the same thing with someone who may be looking for you to follow them? What do their results say that their words aren’t? What do their actions say that their words aren’t? What does their body language say that their words aren’t? What is their tonality saying that their words aren’t? What are their words not saying? Are they being really careful and saying things to you in order to not say the wrong thing? So, understanding this nuance can give you just more orientation as you move forward in the realm of communication because the more data points that you have to take into your conversations, the more that you can understand the holistic situation and make better decisions from a place of being informed.

Shi:

So, to remind you, Thuli Madonsela tells us, “I need to listen well so that I hear what is not said.” That brings us to our Thoughtful Thursday Quest today. We want you to listen to yourself in silence and check in with your feelings, hear what is being felt but not necessarily said. Hey, all you French hens out there Merry Christmas Eve Eve, and are you ready?

Shi:

Let’s quest! Merry Eve-Eve.