Shi:
Alright, up next in this segment we’re talking about negotiating because it’s tough stuff week here on the Kay & Shi Show and negotiating especially for fellow women out there can often be a really tough subject.
Kay:
Many of us have the idea that if we negotiate that we’re not grateful for the things that we have or the things that we’ve been given, and for many of us, this stops our power in its tracks before we even have the opportunity to advocate for what we really want.
Shi:
There’s this interesting kind of balance or I think issue that happens within many of us, which is we want to demonstrate that we’re grateful. We want to work hard and show our gratitude for what is. We don’t want to seem like we’re taking for granted all of the opportunities that are in front of us and those are the kinds of notions that can often get in the way of somebody deciding or realizing or acknowledging that it’s time to as the word of the last segment recalibrate maybe a business relationship, maybe a professional relationship. Maybe even if you have young children like I do, or under the age of 15, like Kay and I do, you know that negotiating happens a lot in the household as well. So, being able to navigate this kind of territory and not use justifications like, “Well, I should just be grateful for what I have,” actually can empower you to make those negotiations happen and ultimately feel better and get a better result.
Kay:
Any time that you have two parties coming together over shared responsibility, negotiating takes place. This could be the negotiation of household duties between a husband and a wife. This could be the negotiating of iPad time like Shila mentioned with kids. This could be the negotiating of a salary with a worker, or it could be the negotiation of a contract if you’re a contracted employee or even somebody who does work from a contract basis. So, negotiating takes place in all kinds of places in our lives. In fact, Shi, we once saw someone who we respect very much negotiate dinner reservations.
Shi:
It was the funniest thing. We were down in Miami and this individual called to see if he could get a reservation for a party of 11 at 7:30. We could only hear obviously our side of the conversation, but it went something like this: “I’d like to get a reservation for a party of 11 at 7:30. Oh, but you could do it at seven? Okay. Could you do it at 7:15? Alright. Well, if you can do it at 7:15, can’t you just do it at 7:30? Well, you could do it if we’re a party of nine. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re just a party of nine.” Lo and behold we had just witnessed a dinner reservation get negotiated. Of course, we showed up with 11 people–the two chairs were added. It was not a big deal but that was one of those moments where we were like, “Look, this skill can literally be applied anywhere.”
Kay:
It truly can. Anytime that you have something on the table that you are looking to advocate for, negotiating can come and be in your corner. So, it’s not something that you have to attach negative consequences to, even though sometimes it makes some of us feel a little icky.
Shi:
It can and definitely make us feel that way, especially if we are not used to it. So, getting exposure to negotiation is one of the best ways to learn how to be comfortable with it and so we would encourage you to not shy away from these moments when you need to negotiate for yourself whether it be for money or for time or for protection or sanity or any of those things. Now, when it comes to business and professional types of negotiating–going to go ahead and separate that out from the family negotiations here–we have really found that often what is on your heart is you want to just say the very best terms of a deal that you’re willing to give to the person because you want to demonstrate your level of commitment to the deal or commitment to paying as much as you can and valuing the worth. But what we found is that when you start with your very best, we don’t have any room to go up from there, which is often what the other party expects. So, whatever you bring forward, you’re typically going to expect to get some kind of counter-offer. So, you want to take your maximum of what you’re willing to give and then just give it that kind of little bit of shave so that you have the ability to go up if you need to.
Kay:
What I love about this principle is that you’re understanding what you want before you come into the conversation. What is the maximum that you’re willing to give or the minimum that you’re willing to accept? And you understand where you stand before you go into the negotiation. Now, we don’t have time to jump fully into it today, but don’t we do this oftentimes when we negotiate with ourselves. If we come from a place where we don’t know what we want, and then your mind starts trying to negotiate you away from that workout or negotiate you away from the healthy meal or negotiate you away from something constructive for you. If you don’t know what you want and aren’t rooted in that, oftentimes you lose the battle.
Shi:
You know, another interesting perspective on that is you often come at yourself with the top expectation and don’t give yourself that 10% rule which then doesn’t allow you to say… If you’re like, well, the top goal is to run a marathon, let’s just say that anything short of that can feel like a failure. But saying, okay, if that’s the goal, can I run 10 miles this week? Can I chunk that down? Can I look at that in a different way? Just like you would with a negotiation where you’re going to present all of those fronts with logical thoughts and plans to yourself, and bringing forward ultimately–Kay, what you were just highlighting–that clarity piece which is key when it comes to negotiating.
Kay:
So, the next up here on the Kay & Shi Show–we’re in tough stuff week–we’re going to talk about motivation blocks and what to do when you come up against them.
Shi:
See you then.
