Shi:
Alrighty. Welcome to the Kay & Shi Show. We are so glad that you are here with us as we dive into something that we would consider ourselves pretty well experienced in, and that is everything language.
Kay:
Language really does matter. What comes out of your mouth, what you think inside your head. When it comes to language, it can actually literally shape your entire existence.
Shi:
We think that it is such an important thing. We’re going to talk about it in all four segments of the Kay & Shi Show this week and first, we want to start out with talking about just language in general, and especially the difference between communication and connection.
Kay:
Now you can simply communicate a message to someone, or you can connect a message through their intellect and into their heart. And when we’re just communicating, that’s that kind of talking back and forth, but connection comes when someone is not only connecting emotionally to what you’re saying but they’re making that intellectual connection within themselves to the communication that’s happening.
Shi:
Right. I like to think of communication as that transaction of words and language and connection is really that dimension of relationship and emotional connection and bonding. So, you get this deeper all connection has communication, but not all communication has a connection. And John Maxwell–as you know, we are on his faculty for his leadership team–is the number one leadership expert in the world, named ‘Leadership Guru’ by Inc. Magazine six years running. The guy’s a big deal. He is written over a hundred books, but he talks a lot about:
(a) the importance of communication in general and language and how we frame what we say and
(b) how important it is for us to communicate with connection especially when it comes to leadership and leadership is really all about influence as John tells us.
When we all look around our lives, we have influence we want to make on the people around us, on the situations and the circumstances and the experiences. So, we’re all leading all the time already which means we’re all seeking to communicate all the time and if we’re doing that wisely, we’re trying to do that through connection. So, understanding that difference is important, but then it’s like, okay, I get it now, how do I actually apply that? And we’ve got a couple of great tips we want to share with you here.
Kay:
Sometimes we do our very, very best to communicate and connect with somebody, but it doesn’t seem to land, and I know oftentimes I’ve gotten confused around why didn’t somebody pick up what I was putting down. My intent was much more noble than they received from the communication that I gave and one of the first tips that we have for you here is to understand that your message and your delivery are two things that play off of each other. You can say all the right words in the world, your words can be really right, but if your body language is tight, if your voice is elevated, if your eyebrows are raised, that message can get totally, totally lost in the bungled delivery of the communication. So, understanding that message and delivery are two different things that are both very important and play a role in communication and connection can really help you when you’re looking to get your point across.
Shi:
It’s nuanced and many of us can get caught up on the message being right. I’m sure you can think of situations where your point of view was the “right” point of view, or the triumphant point of view or the message was the right decision for the business or the family, but the way it was delivered it didn’t allow that message to be received in the way that you would’ve desired to get the outcome you were looking for. And that can be hard for us and many of us will fall back on, but I was right, but it was the right timing, but it was the right move, but it was the right decision. Yes, and delivery matters a lot and it’s in those situations that we can see in particular how much delivery is important.
This is very in alignment with what our coach and mentor Barry Banther talks about which is the difference and idea of content and context and content is really that message, that core, that middle piece, that piece of communication being articulated but the context is everything around that content. It’s the delivery. It’s how we set up that message, that content so that it is received in the way that we’re intending or hoped for and so this understanding can help us bring forward, I think more intelligence as we craft our messages, as we think about our delivery because understanding that how important that delivery is means that it should get just as much attention as the message itself.
Kay:
One of the most helpful things that I’ve heard in regard to content versus context is in relation to fighting within a partnership or within a couple. Oftentimes a fight isn’t really about the content of the fight, but more so about the context and maybe it’s not a fight. It could just be an argument. But when we think about context versus content, think about someone getting really mad that the partner in the relationship didn’t take out the trash. You didn’t take out the trash and I’m just so angry at you for not taking out that trash. Now, that’s the content of the conversation, but the context of that conversation could be, “I’ve asked you to take out the trash three days in a row and you haven’t done it.” The context of that could be, “I’ve taken out the trash the last three times that we’ve done this and now I asked you, and I’ve asked you three days and you haven’t done it.” So, the context of the conversation, the argument isn’t really about the trash itself, the content being taken out. It’s about the context of feeling disrespected and unheard and so the context versus the content can be especially helpful maybe when you’re in the midst of an argument to help you take a step back and get more of a bird’s eye view.
Shi:
And, you know, the context is so many tiny threads around the content. Kay, you gave such a great visual there of this trash example but think about–even as you continue to zoom out on the content of that message and more of the context–did your partner sleep well last night? Is there something else going on at work? Have they been distracted by something? Is there something going on with the kids in the house? Is there something going on with their parents? All of this context gets woven in so that the delivery of the content, if given in a way that is ignoring the context can absolutely make even the most “right” message wrong and so keeping that context in mind is so important. Okay, I know we just love this subject. I love talking everything about language. We both kind of obsess over words and crafting and all of these distinctions and I look forward to bringing forward next even a little more focus on words in our next segment.
